When I wake up on a Saturday morning and my body feels like it’s been hit by a bus and my head is pounding from whatever illness has infiltrated my body, I immediately want to jump off a bridge. Doesn’t matter. Can’t do that. Gotta collect a paycheck to inevitably lose it all on NFL Sunday. So I strap up my boots, grab my grande americano with ¼ splash of 2% from Starbies and head out into a nor’easter to get to work to get paid to essentially babysit a bunch of grown ass men. Texas Tennessee at noon? Too bad. Get to work.
That’s enough to spike cortisol to dangerous levels in any man. Now imagine on top of all this I see my good name being slandered in the fantasy group chat. My name? 3x champ? The Big Bean?
And for what? Because talks stalled for 48 hours over an injury designation? If I had reacted like this every time trade talks I was involved in fell through I’d have been kicked out years ago.
For reference- below is what the owner of the 2025 (also 2023) last place team Sergeant Jerk - Chug Police had to say Saturday morning:
“Would just like the league to know, that the player with the injury designation has been cleared and will be playing and the receiving party is no longer answering messages. I will be rescinding my trade offer and will never do business with this league member again. And I advise everyone else to do the same”
Now I’m not exactly threatened by this. I know there are good men, ball knowers, that will still deal with me down the line. Many in this league will vouch for me when it comes to trading. But I am concerned the full story isn’t being portrayed. Lets hit the facts as slander and assumptions run wild.
Yes, there was an agreed upon trade in place - but let’s take it back a few steps.
“I will be rescinding my trade offer and will never do business with this league member again. And I advise everyone else to do the same”
This should have been my response when the original trade offer rolled in. Everyone knows there’s an art to trading. You go in with a fair (emphasis on fair) offer and massage the details until you get something done. However, sometimes when you start with a lowball offer that’s so extreme, it’s best to just shut the door.
While I have many regrets about how this trade was handled, perhaps my biggest is that I didn’t simply walk away.
Since courtesy and discretion have been thrown out the door with texts being published in the groupchat, below is the original trade offer:
The mind of a European man at work.
Let’s plug it into 2 different trade calculators:
CBS
Williams: 12
Pollard: 6
Achane: 28
Total -10
Yahoo
Williams: 28
Pollard: 15
Achane: 45
Total -2
No problem - been here before. Sometimes you need to do a little hand holding, we can make this work.
When doing a 2-1 trade something needs to be understood. 2+2 does not equal 4. When trading 2 players for one you should expect to overpay.
Nonetheless, we did compromise and to give credit where it’s due, Sergeant Jerk - Chug Police accepted my counter offer of Jameson Williams + Travis Etienne for Devon Achane by the afternoon (330 EST) that same day.
What happened amidst the chaos of Wednesday is what people are missing. A timeline of Wednesday Sept. 23rd for your convenience.
3:30 EST - Trade accepted & sent across my desk
~5:30 EST - I leave work and send the text about building some suspense and hype (because I’m a showman). Figure the 45 minute drive home will allow it build enough to the point people get antsy. Gnawing at the bone for a trade to critique.
*This actually worked which was fun. I just didn’t realize what was about to unfold and how deep the consequences to my actions would run…
6:15 EST - I get home and don’t even get out of my car. If the texting and driving (only at red lights!) wasn’t enough proof, I was legitimately excited to do this trade. So I pull up the trade request with every intention of hitting accept and going inside to watch the leagues response unfold. HOWEVER, next to Etiennes name is now a red questionable tag. Hamstring. Yikes!
Now my mind begins to run wild. Was this a pre-existing injury? That would explain his usage. Did this happen in practice that day? That doesn’t bode well for his already plummeting usage.
Did Sergeant Jerk - Chug Police know this and became pushy once he realized I wasn’t up on the news? Taking advantage of a sick working man while he perused Westminster Abbey? … tsk tsk.
Either way, soft tissue injuries are nothing to mess with as Sergeant Jerk - Chug Police is well aware of (see: Nico Collins). So, Sergeant Jerk - Chug Police and I come to basically a silent agreement that we will wait for more news to come out before proceeding.
Friday afternoon the designation drops and he is officially “available for Sunday” as per HC Kellen Moore. But there is still zero information on the specifics of the injury. Which is a big deal. I get home and prepare for my 730/8pm bedtime which has become ritual this week as I deal with what is surely some lab modified version of Polio out of Wuhan. I figure we have waited this long and all teams in question don’t play until Sunday. Let me sleep on it one more day and maybe, MAYBE I get some specifics on this injury out of the bayou.
The plan was to have an answer Saturday evening.
But… this tiktok generation of kids is impatient. It’s not their fault. I constantly need to remind myself this. Ipad babies. Parlays. “Ladder” bets. What ever happened to putting your balls on the table and slamming the fucking spread? “Oh my 6 leg parlay missed because Jaylin Noel didn’t hit his alt receiving line.” Give me a break. I don’t care. Attracted to quick hits and shiny payouts on parlays. You take that Jets +3.5 and build a god damn bankroll. Run the fucking ball down the other teams throat. Tiktok generation… ipad babies… GLP1’s… VIAGRA. Doordash. Pillars of our now doomed society.
I digress.
I’ll admit, the rescinded offer and a paragraph of announcement for the rescindment took me by surprise. I do however understand his desire to get ahead of it and explain the situation to the group of already rabid league members drooling for a trade to analyze. I wish I had just rejected it Friday night before bed.
The rescindment is fair - I may have done the same. I certainly would not have made a spectacle of it, however. People have other things to tend to. I’m willing to blame the time zone difference causing a mess here as Sergeant Jerk - Chug Police is in Europe on a Honeymoon and also the fact I’ve been in bed by 8 every night.
What I won’t stand for is a story running wild without any background information available for the other valuable members in this league. Under the previous commissioner, this was a democracy and in good faith to the new commish I’ll let you all form your own opinions when presented with the facts.
I want it known that everyone, including Sergeant Jerk - Chug Police, will be welcomed with open arms when it comes to trade talks. I hold no ill will. I just hope that with this blog, the league better understands what happened here. I never intended for a rug pull. My team is in a delicate state and trading one of my only assets for a soft tissue injury would do nothing but put the nail in the coffin.
I wish nothing but a healthy and successful season for Sergeant Jerk - Chug Police.
Anyways….
Yes, I did renew the domain this morning solely for this blog. Lets get it going, taking all submissions. The site is also a WIP so keep an eye on upcoming changes. Power rankings next week?
Stephan, you are the biggest cuck in history of mankind. Hit my line tho I think we can work something out.
Yours truly,
The Big Bean, CEO
Dr. Luther Burden, COO
